Dear fellow commuters …

Dear fellow commuters,

I’d like to talk to you about driving to and from work. It’s something that unites us all, whether we’re travelling from several hours away from work (like me) or from 10 minutes around the corner (like most of you). I’ve let things go for some time now, but I feel that I now need to address some serious concerns I have about your habits when you’re behind the wheel of your vehicle.

Firstly, leaving a bit of space between cars is a good thing. If I’ve learnt one thing on my commutes in and out of Sydney over the last year, it’s that you guys abhor a vacuum – there’s no space too small that it can’t be occupied by another vehicle. I like to leave a bit of room between myself and the car in front of me because they do things like braking and I like to have enough time to react to that braking without ramming them into a concrete sidewall at 100kph. But every time I hang back a bit and leave myself enough time to brake, one of you guys pulls into the space and squats there.

If I’m travelling down the freeway and I’m going less than the speed limit, it undoubtedly means that there’s someone else in front of me. I know you keep getting within six inches of my rear bumper and then doing that ‘look down the side’ manoeuvre, but no matter how close you get – the vehicle in front of me will not vanish. We are both, unfortunately, going to have to be patient for a minute or two while Captain Slow up front finds a gap to pull into.

I realise that the back of my car is one of the most amazing things in the universe, but I’d appreciate it if you’d save your close-up inspection of it for when it’s parked in a sidestreet and not when we’re both doing 110kph down the F6. We both know that when you piss me off enough to make me pull over, you’ll inevitably proceed down the road at exactly the same speed I was going – and if you were particularly annoying, I’m highly likely to return the bumper-hugging favour.

Personally speaking I like to drive at or slightly above the speed limit. I appreciate the fact that not everybody shares my driving outlook and that some of you prefer to travel everywhere at exactly 15kph below whatever the speed limit is – unless we’re in a built up area with kids running around when you inevitably speed. However while I do appreciate the fact that you like travelling at speeds well below the marked limits, not all of us do and I’d greatly appreciate it if you didn’t do your impression of a rolling roadblock during the rush hour in the outside lane on a day when your rear view mirror appears to have malfunctioned. See all those people streaming past you on the inside lane? They’re travelling at the speed limit and are obeying that road sign that says ‘Keep left unless overtaking’.

Foglights are designed to be used when it’s foggy. I know it’s a tricky concept, so let me repeat it for you in a slightly different way. When it’s not foggy, you don’t need to turn your foglights on. I realise that you feel empowered at the wheel of your vehicle and that you love playing with all the buttons and switches on the dashboard, but having fogs on when it’s not foggy is not only dangerous, it’s also illegal.

When the freeway is moving okay and you’re sat on the inside lane minding your own business, please check that wing mirror before deciding that the time is right to overtake the car in front of you. I’m the bloke in the blue Kluger driving at or slightly above the speed limit in the outside lane who is now intimately acquainted with your Baby-on-board sticker.

Not every car with lights on its roof and some kind of decal on the bodywork, is the old bill. You do not need to slam your anchors on because there’s a Sydney Water van in front of us.

Finally, please reserve your intense nose-picking session for those moments when we’re not alongside each other at the traffic lights. I know I’ll probably never see you again and that we’re both in our own cars, but there’s something about watching a bald 40 year old man excavating his nostril that puts me right off my morning cheese and ham croissant.

With kind regards,

The bloke in the blue Kluger