So the other day we were on our way back from Shellharbour having done a bit of shopping and the missus starts reading the magazine she bought at the checkout in Woolies. The magazine is pretty dreadful but nothing could prepare either of us for the horrors that lurked inside – stapled to the centre spread. For it was there that we discovered the catalogue that time forgot – a pamphlett of products so heinous that they should have come with some sort of government advisory. I have selected some of the choicer products from this catalogue and I present them here for your viewing pleasure.

If you want to draw attention away from your hideous carpet, consider these lovely and eye-catching slipover covers. Nothing says 'just out of jail' better than a slipover cover.

If you want to draw attention away from your hideous carpet, consider these lovely and eye-catching slipover covers. Nothing says 'just out of jail' better than a slipover cover.

Yes, the colour changing angel - a lump of plastic 10cm high that 'spreads peace and joy' through your home. Like all angels, it changes colour from neon blue through to neon green. In the event of a home invasion it also doubles as a personal defence tool - just jab the angel into the face of your assailant and not only will you blind him, but the good lord will banish his wretched soul to hell for all eternity.

Yes, the colour changing angel - a lump of plastic 10cm high that 'spreads peace and joy' through your home. Like all angels, it changes colour from neon blue through to neon green. In the event of a home invasion it also doubles as a personal defence tool - just jab the angel into the face of your assailant and not only will you blind him, but the good lord will banish his wretched soul to hell for all eternity.

If you eat so much fibre so often that you block your u-bend on a regular basis, then read on. This handy gun will dislodge turds meters in length. Just prime it with the vacuum pump, pull the trigger and launch your stubborn shit into a low-earth orbit. Remember to clean before using on the kitchen sink.

If you eat so much fibre so often that you block your u-bend on a regular basis, then read on. This handy gun will dislodge turds meters in length. Just prime it with the vacuum pump, pull the trigger and launch your stubborn shite into a low-earth orbit. Remember to clean before using on the kitchen sink.

If your feet are in such shitty shape that you need to take a Dremel angle-grinder to 'em - then you might want to consider paying a visit to your local chiropodist.

If your feet are in such shitty shape that you need to take a Dremel angle-grinder to 'em - then you might want to consider paying a visit to your local chiropodist.


Are you a hitman? Do you regularly 'whack' people in your own home? Are you tired of cleaning up all the blood and brain matter that gets left on your sofa? Well worry no more, because these fetching plastic covers will protect your expensive furniture from all manner of harmful substances. Easy to wipe clean, they have the added advantage of heating up on warm days and sticking farmly to your arse. Warning: do not sit on this sofa in a nylon suit or you will self-combust.

Are you a hitman? Do you regularly 'whack' people in your own home? Are you tired of cleaning up all the blood and brain matter that gets left on your sofa? Well worry no more, because these fetching plastic covers will protect your expensive furniture from all manner of harmful substances. Easy to wipe clean, they have the added advantage of heating up on warm days and sticking firmly to your arse like cling-film to fruit. Warning: do not sit on this sofa in a nylon suit or you will self-combust.

Top 'o the 'mornin to ya. I just know this is going to be my lucky day because I'm carrying my emerald green four leaf clover. Oh who am I kidding, it's a miserable piece of mass produced grap and, despite what the advert says, nothing is more like to say "Fuck you" than giving one of these things as a gift.

Top 'o the 'mornin to ya. I just know this is going to be my lucky day because I'm carrying my emerald green four leaf clover. Oh who am I kidding, it's a miserable piece of mass produced crap and, despite what the advert says, nothing is more likely to say "Fuck you" than giving one of these things as a gift.

Is it me, or does that thing look like the most uncomfortable hunk of crap? It's the size of a piece of 3x2 lego for fuck's sake and is about as discrete as wearing one of those Victorian ear trumpets against the side of your head.

Is it me, or does that thing look like the most uncomfortable hunk of crap ever? It's the size of a piece of 3x2 lego for fuck's sake and is about as discrete as wearing one of those Victorian ear trumpets against the side of your head.

Looking like something Captain James.T. Kirk would point at an angry Klingon, this baby's got *all* your lint hassles in check. No matter how many fuzzies that horse motif cardigan of yours has, you'll be cool. But wait! There's more! You can apparently take this bad boy on vacation with you - because as we all know, when you jet off to the sunshine there's nothing more enjoyable than shaving excess lint off woolen garments. Batteries not included.

Looking like something Captain James.T. Kirk would point at an angry Klingon, this baby's got *all* your lint predicaments in check. No matter how many fuzzies that horse motif cardigan of yours has, you'll be cool. But wait! There's more! You can apparently take this bad boy on vacation with you - because as we all know, when you jet off to the sunshine you don't want to ponce around scuba diving, when excess lint to shave off your woolen garments. Batteries are not included.

We can categorically state that this deluxe 9.5" personal device is *not* a classic white vibrating dildo. Yes, we realise it looks like something a lady would use when the washing machine's not on its spin cycle, but that's just your dirty mind! This puppy's designed to help your circulation not bring you to a writhing guilt-free orgasm. Delivered in plain brown packaging.

We can categorically state that this deluxe 9.5" personal device is *not* a classic white vibrating dildo. Yes, we realise it looks like something a lady would use when the washing machine's not on its spin cycle, but that's just your dirty mind! This puppy's designed to help your circulation not bring you to a writhing guilt-free orgasm. Delivered in plain brown packaging.

Amazing products I know. If you want the mail-order details, just ask!