Every country seems to have it – that mad time of the year towards the end of the summer holidays when everyone hurtles Lemming-like towards the coast for one last blast of down time before the new working year unfolds. In the UK, of course, it was the August Bank Holiday, when the entire population of the United Kingdom gets into its cars and drives towards Cornwall – though usually only making it as far as the Maccers at the Exeter services, due to weight of traffic. If you’re lucky, you can make it from the Midlands to Cornwall in about five hours – so if you set off at midday you can make it to Newquay just in time to watch the ceremonial knife fights outside the Sailors ‘nightclub’.

Over here the equivalent (and it is in every way directly equivalent) of the August Bank Holiday rush is the Australia Day long weekend. Australia Day comes right at the very end of the school summer holidays on the 26th of January – typically only a couple of days before the new school year begins. This year it falls on a Monday – Tuesday is uniform shop day and Wednesday the little darlings return to school.

Living, as we do, in a touristy area – this particular weekend is never a good time to try and drive anywhere. If you box clever you remember to do a big shop a few days beforehand because you *really* don’t want to be on the roads on Australia Day evening or the day after. There’s been a steady convoy of traffic passing down from Sydney towards us here in South Coast NSW. Typically you get a 4WD crammed full of sprogs, boogie boards and soft bags, towing a tinnie. Or you get a people carrier/SUV of some sort, with a full brood of kids watching seat-back DVDs while the parents have a traditional long weekend argument.

Last night, having taken the dog for a walk I decided to treat my dad to a schooner of light down the pub, so we sat on the front porch at the top pub in Broughton and watched the endless convoys of traffic cruising down the Princes Highway. One car pulled into the petrol station opposite the pub and we witnessed every parents worst nightmare – the travel sick child. Quite what the smell of child puke in those temperatures can have been like, I cannot quite imagine.

For the duration of the long weekend double-demerits are in force with coppers lurking behind every car sized bush.

Actually I’ve just thought of one important way in which the Australian long weekend differs from the British one. The weather. During the August bank holiday it’s traditional for an Atlantic gale to blow in, bringing 70mph winds and sheet rain to all coastal regions. The forecast for the long weekend here – and indeed for the next 10 days – looks excellent – warm and sunny. So at least all those poor bastards – and in particular the car with the travel-sick kid – have a bit of nice weather to look forward to when they get to their destination. No wonder us Brits turn out the way we do.

I’m back on patrol this Sunday. I got a call from one of the university aged patrolling members of the club asking me if I’d swap weeks with him. Far be it from me to stand in the way of a young bloke getting wankered and having meaningless nookie with a random squeeze over a long weekend. So I agreed to switch. He was pathetically grateful. Of course it helps that the bloke he asked is British and thus not so wrapped up in the whole Australia day ‘thing’. Not that I object or anything – I think it’s great the way Aussies have pride in their country and have a decent national day to celebrate it. I mean, St Georges day is just a great big throbbing embarassment of a non-event, isn’t it. People get more worked up over Celebrity Big Brother.

Back to school …
So yes, next week the new school year begins. The teachers union in NSW had planned a two day strike for the first two days of term, but the state government awarded them a 12% (!) pay rise and the strike’s been called off. So Jack returns to school on the Wednesday, although he won’t find out which class he’s in until the following week, when the school will have proper figures for attending students.

Our money situation has eased a little. Don’t particularly want to go into the nitty gritty of it, but we have a new understanding, Liz and I and we’re very hopeful that 2009 will be a better year, in spite of the worldwide financial crisis.

One area in which I’m hoping to make a little bit of money is in computer talks. I write a column for a local freebie TV listings magazine which has turned into something of a phenomonem with the (primarily OAP) audience that reads it. It was suggested that I do a series of talks on various subjects and so that’s what I’m doing. The first talk takes place in a couple of weeks at a nearby bowling club and will be on the subject of computer viruses. I’ll talk about how to spot ‘em, how not to get ‘em and what to do if you do get one. The room I’ve booked holds 40 people – whether I get that number or end up talking to myself – remains to be seen.

Freaky …
So I’m sat there watching the evening news the other day and they do this story about how a husband who shot his pregnant wife dead, has just been released from jail after 16 years having had 8 years knocked off his sentence for good behaviour. The unfortunate girl’s mother comes on the TV and … it’s one of my customers … a lady I sold a PC to. Very strange seeing her on the evening news decrying the parole board’s decision to release her daughter’s killer early. And I can see her point too. Not just her daughter – but her grandchild. Horrible. Completely motive-less killing too apparently. Bloke just came home from work one day and shot his wife dead.

Relief …
I reckon that we cope pretty well with the heat considering we’re new to this warm weather lark. We have air conditioning in a couple of the rooms, but it’s very rarely on – we prefer to open the windows and doors and let the coastal breeze cool us. However we’re having a bit of a heatwave lately, with the temperature consistently in the mid to high 30s (knocking around the 100f mark if you still work in old money).

Yesterday, it was still 32c (89F) at midnight. I knew we were in for a sleepless night, so I dragged the mattress out of the spare bedroom and into the living room, turned the aircon on – and we slept in there. Good night’s sleep we had too. The southerly change blew through the area a couple of hours ago and the temperature has dropped from 36c to 23c in about 30 minutes! Very nice too. Won’t be any problems sleeping tonight.

Some jokes …

  • Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.” Wife replies, “I think you’ll find that is a sheep.” Man replies, “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”
  • When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
  • A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry; that was an insect.” To which, her daughter replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that.”
  • A kid is sitting at the kitchen table in the morning and says, “Hey mom, pass the fuckin corn flakes.” She takes him out back and whips him with a rod then sits him back down and says, “Now would you like something from the table?” He says, “Well I sure as shit don’t want those fuckin corn flakes.”
  • I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said “morning.” He replied, “No, just having a shit.”

And finally …