Archive for July, 2010

So the sprog is getting well into his movies lately and, having exhausted all current childrens movies I was pondering if there some old ones he might like watching. The wife has already indoctrinated him into the world of brutal 1970s animal films (Born Free, Tarka the Otter, Ring of Bright Water etc) so I was wondering which great action movies he might like to see. Thus far he’s seen films like the Indiana Jones series and a couple of classic sci-fis (original Star Wars, the Black Hole etc).

In an idle moment I thought to myself, “Conan, that’s a great action movie.” But it being so long since I’d seen it I wondered whether it was suitable for an eight year old who’ still into Ben 10, so I looked it up on IMDB. The parental notes are listed below – I’m thinking it’s probably not suitable – what do you reckon?

CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982) Rated R for strong brutal violence, gore, and some sexual content/nudity.

There are two very graphic sex scenes. There was one specific scene with Conan and a witch having sex.There is a semi-graphic orgy scene with mostly topless women.

Violence & Gore
A village is raided and people are murdered by swords, people are shot with arrows. Men on horseback set the village on fire, a brief scene of a man running in a blaze. A man crushes another man’s skull with a warhammer. Wild dogs are unleashed and are seen attacking a man until he dies. A woman is beheaded in front of her child, we see the head fall to the ground.
A gladitorial pit fight occurs in which many sequences of brutal carnage ensues; men are hacked with axe’s, men are impaled with bloody results, a man bites another man’s neck, a man’s arm breaks, a man’s head is violently smashed into a wall until he is bloodied and beaten, a man hold’s up a decapitated head.
A sex scene involving a witch becomes violent when she turns into a demonic creature. She is then thrown into a fire only to return as a ghostly ball of light and flies around chaotically.
A camel is punched in the head; it falls unconscious to the ground.
Two men are attacked by a giant snake.
A priest is violently punched in the stomach and then punched again until he falls to the ground.
A man is violently tortured and beaten; a man steps on his hands until they are very bloody, the man is thrown into a fountain and left there.
A woman under a hallucinatory spell leaps off a high cliff and falls to her death.
A man is crucified on a tree; he is bloody and beaten. A vulture is seen pecking on his neck; the man violently bites the vulture until it dies.
In an orgy chamber, disfigured men are seen hacking human corpses and dismembering the bodies in preperation for a cannibalistic feast.
A battle occurs in the orgy chamber with extreme violence; a man is slashed in the neck with a sword; we see blood spill from the wound, many men are hacked to death, a man is violently decapitated; we see this with graphic detail, scantically clad women are seen running around frantically and some are pushed and shoved. A man pours boiling human soup. A fight between three men occur, one wielding a warhammer violently and smashing pillars until they crack and break. A large piece of stone falls onto another man; knocking him out. Men attack a woman; the men are killed in all violent fashions.
A woman is hit with a snake arrow.
Another battle occurs at the end; men are hacked violently with axe’s; blood sprays from their wounds, men are impaled with spears, men are shot with arrows, horses are hacked in the legs with swords; a man is impaled through his back with a spear; blood spills from the wound, a man is graphically impaled with a large pointed object and blood splatters all over; we see the object sticking out his back with gory detail, a man is slashed in the abdomen with a sword; blood gushes from his wound, the man is hacked in the side of the neck; blood splatters from his wound and the man falls to his death onto a spear off screen; blood squirts into the air.
A man is hacked numerous times in the neck until he is decapitated; blood sprays from his wounds graphically. The mans head is thrown at a crowd of onlookers and rolls down a large set of stairs.

So bearing in mind that we had to stop 2012 half way through because the sprog was stressing about the all the people on the boat, I’m thinking he’s probably not ready for Conan. Just yet.

The glue gun

Recent Skype conversation with our friends down the road:

I have a large JD and coke in front of me, a most superb mix playing in my headphones (Euphoria: Return to Ibiza if you’re interested), the house is otherwise quiet and I have resolved to update my flipping blog. Here’s hoping I manage to string together a few paragraphs this time, because every other time I’ve tried to update my blog in the last few months apathy grips me within minutes and before you know it I’m browsing Reddit yet again.

Holiday in the sunshine ….
We’re not known for our holidaying prowess, our family. (How fucking good is Hallelujah by the Happy Mondays? Jeez this takes me right back). Whether it’s my latent Aspergers, a total and complete lack of funds, the time constraints forced on us by the fact that I’m a wage slave and Liz runs her own business or just plain old fashioned apathy, we rarely go on holidays these days. In fact the last time we had a proper go-somewhere-more-than-50km-from-your-house holiday was ermmm, about seven years ago. But by some strange conjunction of the planets we not only booked some flights somewhere else, but I reserved the holiday time and Liz let her clients know that they wouldn’t be able to phone us at 3:00am and expect an answer. Our destination? Cairns.

Yes, on account of the fact that my kid brother and his girlfriend live up there and on account of the fact that they probably won’t be doing so for much longer and on account of the fact that it’s a bit shit that we’ve been living in this country for four years and have never strayed outside the state of New South Wales – we booked flights to Cairns. Jim’s a mind-bogglingly experienced diving instructor (the most experienced in the diving-mad state of Queensland in fact) and the plan was to have him show us around some choice spots in sunny far north Queensland.

We flew up on a Tuesday on account of the fact that Virgin Blue’s airfares for Tuesdays are the lowest you’ll see all week. We left 16 degrees and rain and arrived in Cairns at night to 26 degrees. Within 30 minutes of arriving at my brother’s house the sprog had managed to (accidentally) kick the hinge off my brother’s girlfriend’s Dell laptop. Needless to say everyone was thrilled to bits by this sensational beginning to the holiday. We spent the next day touring computer shops getting quotes for laptop repairs and followed that up with a mooch around Cairns while easing back into shorts and thongs mode. Liz and the sprog went swimming in the pleasingly situated Lagoon swimming pool (sweet jesus there’s some fit fucking birds hanging around that place) and I got a tour of the marina and esplanade by my brother.

On the Thursday we decided to sample the delights of the Skyrail, Karunda and the Kuranda scenic railway. The Skyrail was probably the highlight of that trip – it goes for bloody miles, over the tops of pristine rain forest. It was worth going on if only to watch Liz jump every time the cabin went over a pylon and the whole thing rattled. Karunda was, ermm, pretty shite actually – a tourist trap in the worst sense – one shark tooth necklace shop after another. The railway was alright, but like many scenic railway journeys – too long. It goes through amazingly scenic countryside, but by the time the train rolled into Freshwater station we were well and truly over it.

Day 14 of the train journey and with the delights of Travel Scrabble exhausted, boredom starts to set in.

On the Thursday we took a trip out to the reef. Yes, that reef – the Great Barrier one. There had been much uhming and ahhing over which dive company we’d go out with, but in the end we settled on SunLover because they seemed to offer a balanced family oriented range of activities. We travelled out to the reef first thing in the morning and after an hour had arrived at the pontoon from which you go snorkelling. The whole thing was extremely well organised from start to finish – superb friendly staff, great facilities and bloody good value for money – I have no hesitation in recommending this company.

Sunlover's pontoon - located on Mason's Reef towards the southern end of the Great Barrier Reef

Without doubt the coolest thing that happened during our day on the reef was the ‘outside’ tour with the on-board naturalist. For just $35 a head you get to go outside the roped off snorkelling area and venture out into the wider reef. Liz, who refuses to wear a pair of goggles at our local beach in case she sees a fish, was very brave and ventured out with us, only panicking when the 1m reef dropped off to 10m. We got to see pretty much the entire cast of finding nemo with the exceptions of the sharks and the bus driver. It was a terrific day all things considered and one that I’d happily repeat if given the chance.

The author with the shy star of Finding Nemo - Crush the sea turtle. Noggin!

The next day we picked up some picnic supplies and did a tour of the Copperlode Dam and other pleasing (Far out, how good is the bassline in Starlight by Supermen Lovers) locations up in the hills above Cairns. We had a tasty picnic lunch at Lake Morris, which is the dam from which the good people of Cairns get their fresh water. Unlike many reservoirs and lakes you’re not allowed to boat, fish or otherwise use in a recreational capacity the pristine waters. Seemed a bit of a shame to me, since it’s a stunning spot, but the closest you can get is a walkway out to a pumping complex.

(Oooohh – Born Slippy by Underworld). Day four of our trip to FNQ was spent in the Daintree. We drove the 100km up from Cairns and went first on a croc cruise during which we saw crocs small and large. Then we headed further into the rain forest, heading for Cape Tribulation – named by a certain James Cook in 1770 when he ran aground on a reef there. Amazing landscape, but sweet jesus there’s a lot of backpackers there – kind of ruins the ambiance a bit when you’re taking in the views only to have your eye drawn to the flappy baps of Tracey from Solihull sunning herself under the palm trees. Highlight of that day’s trip though was the spectacularly shite restaurant we had lunch in. The servings were hilariously small (portion of fish the size of a chicken nugget, seven (no literally, seven) anaemic chips), awful food (my steak sandwich was actually an over-cooked piece of steak on toast) and every single dish (no matter what it was) was inexplicably accompanied by a slice of pineapple. On the way out the proprietor was giving a riveting talk on tropical foot – “This is a tangella,” he said, holding aloft said fruit. Fucking hell I’m sorry I missed the whole talk. (Choon! Wizards of the Sonic by Westbam).

Down at the wharf in Port Douglas

On our last day, we headed up to Port Douglas. I have to say I really like Port Douglas – bit on the posh side sure, but a really chilled out ambiance to the place which I felt very at home in from the moment we arrived. We had a good look around the posh shops and then had a meal at the Salsa Bar and Grill. The food was fucking sensational – I had this superb cajun chicken dish that I suspect I’ll be hard pressed to improve on. Really great restaurant in every way – real colonial feel to it. After eating we headed down to this joint called the Groper Bar where they feed these massive gropers at  the same time every day. The place was heaving though and there was plenty of cases of grown men and women nudging little kids out of the way so they could get a better view, which sucked. Big shoulder shrug from me that one – can’t say I’d recommend bothering with that one.

Grown men and women nudge children aside in order to view a large fish eating another fish - note the kids behind bars!

And that brought our action-packed holiday to an end. I enjoyed my time in FNQ a lot, partly because it was 10 degrees warmed than down here, partly because it was great to catch up with my brother and his partner and partly because it’s on of those ‘must do’ locations. Same some amazing stuff, had some amazing food enjoyed some amazing times – hope to return there before I die.