One of the side effects of the increasing number of free-to-air digital terrestrial channels here in Oz is that there’s more ‘niche’ shows on the air. The broadcasters have all this digital bandwidth to fill up and there’s only so many netball matches they can put on so they have to buy some programmes from around the world. One of the marketplaces they score those shows from is the UK, where they can probably purchase the cheap-as-chips daytime flog-it, move-it, cook-it, rebuild-it or makeover-it shows for like six dollars and fourty two cents. Including GST.

So anyway, imagine my delight when I flick over to the 7Two channel and Escape to the Country is on. I’ve always found this TV show disturbing on a grand scale and most of that has to do with the presenter – Catherine Gee. I have no idea where they found this woman or what skillset they thought she was bringing to the show but she’s a failure on a quite spectacular level and it makes for strangely compelling telly as a result.

One of the main problems Catherine seems to have is that she looks like she hates children. Whenever some kids appear with the prospective house-hunting family she views them as she might a steaming dog turd in the middle of her silk pillow. She can’t ever wait to send them off on some errand that hinges on her rather dubious view of what children want. For instance she might tell a 14 year old skateboarding hoodie kid to run along and check out the duck pond because it’s full of ducks. Or she’ll suggest some ivory white emo girl might like to have a look at the pony in the paddock while the grown-ups check out the housey-wousey. If she has any nieces and nephews I’m pretty sure that presents they receive from would be things like Mr Men Scribble Pads and a jumbo box of chunky crayons – even if said relatives are in their teens.

The other major problem with the show is that she’s monumentally shite at her job. I mean here’s a woman that has been hired to hunt houses for people. So presumably she has some history in real estate and wasn’t a child catcher in Vulgaria previously. Given that it’s a property show it would have been nice if she’d brought some kind of property related know-how to the table instead of merely a penchant for nasty pudding bowl haircuts.

Has she ever successfully found a home for the people she’s house hunting for? It never happens in the episodes I watch. She goes through the motions, the couple who are looking to buy pretend to watch footage on her Macbook while we all note that they’ve simply superimposed the images on the screen in an editing suite, they pick the two least repellent houses to view, they get 15 minutes on their own to view them without her ‘helpful’ asides and then the credits roll with the following voiceover, “Vivian and Nigel didn’t put an offer in on any of the houses, but are still house-hunting and hoping to move to the country some time this year.” Yea, no thanks to you love. No thanks to you.

Let me explain where Catherine’s going wrong. Rather than actually listening to the requirements of her house-hunters, she picks three properties at random from the back pages of Country Life magazine. Then she attempts to shoe-horn their requirements into whichever property we’re viewing. So you get amazing advice like, “Now I know our family wanted a swimming pool and I think I’ve found just the thing. Behind the house, you’ll find this quaint swamp which, with a couple of retaining walls and some tiles could, I’m sure, be a swimming pool in no time.” No Catherine, it bloody couldn’t, why didn’t you (bear with me, I know this is a bit of a leap for you) find them a  house with a swimming pool?

So the poor house-hunters go out to view the two least worst houses Catherine found for them and this is followed by a cosy chat around the kitchen table in which the house-hunters let her down gently. It’s awful television and yet strangely compelling at the same time.